Full of grace

I'm now 20 weeks pregnant- half way there! Now, that's an accomplishment as SO much has happened since 'The Day' I found out the big news. I can't quite believe the whirlwind I've gone through. The myriad of emotions on it all- from elation to shock to disbelief to utter WT BEEP are we doing...and coming around to truly knowing what a real gift I'd been given.

But like I've alluded to before~ it hasn't been easy. The first trimester was a DOOZY. Being nauseous simply sucks. And questioning your big life picture dreams while feeling severely car sick is not a joy ride. But through it all - I had the tiny spark of faith deep in my chest that it was all okay. Life was okay. I wasn't thrilled having zero control over my hormones, nausea, emotional bouts, eating and energy level, but I did ultimately trust the process and knew it was okay.
And now I'm coming up for air in the second trimester. I have my energy back, I have enough of a belly for people to guess I'm pregnant and I'm eating normal again. Basically, I have some semblance of control back in my life.  But even still- I'm constantly catching myself allowing old thought patterns to rule my worldview. Like a few days ago, while on my walk/run I was having a fairly hard time accepting where my fitness level was at. I just kept thinking about how I'm not running like I wanted to and how I don't have the cute baby bump, just a big butt and blah blah blah. This spiraled into 'I can't believe how BIG I am, I am so heavy now, I don't look cute in anything, I'm this big at 20 weeks- God know's how big I'll be at 40 weeks'...and so on and so on. 
Then something clicked. 
I thought about what my husband said to me the night before while I was complaining I wanted to look cute for a party. He said 'Why can't you just accept where you are right now? You're pregnant and you keep comparing yourself to when you weren't and it just isn't realistic or fair? You look great and you look healthy and pregnant'.  Well I'll be honest, in that moment, that is NOT what I wanted to hear. Not at all. What I wanted was 'Ah honey you look exactly how you did before and now you just have this cute lil' baby bump and you just look smokin' hot'! But I didn't get that. I got the truth instead.
And it wasn't til badgering myself on this run/walk that I started to accept this truth. The truth that I wasn't being too kind to myself. And really all this negative mind trash talk was affecting both my emotional and physical health. So I thought 'Okay then Anne Marie, how would you like to BE, look and feel in this pregnancy'? And the word grace came to me. And then I chuckled to remember that my very own first name means full of grace. Growing up I only attributed the physical definition to grace- like a ballerina. And this I am not, but I do love the idea of grace. The desire of having grace be a big content of my character. Grace exudes a loving, present confidence that is really attractive and nice to be around. Yeah, okay...this is how I want to be in my pregnancy
So my wish is to have my belly full of grace, leading the way in my pregnancy. To accept myself exactly where I am, to forgive myself when I start the trash talking and just rub my belly to calm my mind and bring me back to the present. 

Thank you lil' belly, you're already helping me more than you know...